Today is January 21, 2011, and I find myself a bit behind on my quest for bold living in the new year. As the fireworks burst overhead and scattered color across the dark sky on January 1st, I had vowed that I would live boldly each day. That meant lots of working out, writing regularly, taking giant leaps towards my goals, and giving to others unconditionally and oh so lovingly.

My resolutions lasted a handful of days and then I found myself one morning around 3am waking in the dark gasping for breath. The challenges of daily life and my fears surrounding them took hold of me and the cycle has continued for several days. Each morning I wake at the same time and begin over thinking.

Why is it that we human beings dig ourselves into holes and find it hard to climb out? No matter how hard we try, inevitably we have lows that bring alive our fears and we are forced to look into our souls in an effort to find that spark that we lost.

My early morning thought sessions have found me praying for strength and analyzing the reasons for my struggle – I’ve come up with the following realizations:

1. I am trying to look too far into the future and not reveling in the moment.
2. I have been questioning my purpose and my gifts.
3. I’ve not been tapping into my spiritual side — for me this is so very important.
4. I’m not doing my yoga and exercising regularly.
5. My thoughts have been centered around results rather than the process.
6. I haven’t been connecting enough with friends and those who have reached out to me.
7. My inner critic is alive and thriving — which leads to resistance.

My quest for boldness is a constant challenge. I want to be bold — I want to believe —  to continue to grow…

I can’t help but think that life is like the stock market. Stocks go up, then they fall, then they go back up, and then fall…sometimes they are even for a bit, then rise, then fall…

I’m thinking that the key is that when we fall into down cycles, we need to think long and hard about why our stock has dropped … figure out what life is trying to tell us — and then rise again. If we fail to analyze and work to understand the reasons we have fallen, we dig deeper and deeper holes that become harder and harder to climb out of.

Yesterday I read an amazing poem by my all-time favorite poet Rumi (if you haven’t read his poetry, do so…his words are amazing!):

Three kinds of people are particularly pathetic. The powerful man
out of power, the rich man with no money,
and the learned man laughed at.

Yet these are those who badly want change!
Some dogs sit satisfied in their kennels.
But one who last year drank ecstatic union,
the pre-eternity agreement, who this year
has a hangover from bad-desire wine,
the way he cries out for the majesty
he’s lost,

give me that longing!

Today, like every other day, we wake up empty
and frightened. Don’t open the door to the study
and begin reading. Take down the musical instrument.

Let the beauty we love be what we do.

Is there anyone out there that shares my challenges?  I’m thinking I’m not alone.

If you share my struggles, let’s go on a bold journey together in 2011. Please share your stories, your ideas for living bolder – for living out loud and making a difference in the world around us. Please comment below with your thoughts and ideas so that we can all gain some beautiful inspiration going into the weekend.

Wishing you an amazing Friday!!!

– Post by Jen Engevik

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