Some Words from a Weary Soul by Jen Engevik
Today marks the end of the 37th week of this year. Once again I find myself a bit weary after working
on several large projects for clients. Finally, I feel as though I can breathe a bit.
Yesterday was a wild one that found me writing the following in my notebook:
It is another day in the hood,
another day of experiencing,
feeling my heart beating,
stomach churning….
Today I started off by feeling so centered and sure…
As time rolled on I became stressed,
then really stressed,
then very stressed.
Wrapped up my work and then tried to catch a train to San Berdoo…
ended up quickly climbing the stairs of the metrobridge-
Once at the top,
across the bridge I sprinted in my heels,
almost tossed my cookies (boy I felt out of shape)…
was running so fast,
but before I even had a chance to get down
the other side of the platform…
the damn train took off yonder -
I wanted to cry…
But now I’m on a train to the City of Angels
Skipping along the tracks and writing too..
–
For whatever it’s worth, sometimes I feel as though life is a never ending challenge…just willing us to remain centered and sure. It’s not easy. It’s not always fun.
After my train landed in LA, I was walking toward the street when I crossed paths with an African man with a turban on his head & huge smile on his face. We both said “hi,” and I couldn’t help but ask, “What makes you so happy today?” His answer…
“I’m like this everyday…I just have this strong sense that everything is going to work out just fine. I look at it like this…sometimes good things just come along when you least expect them.”
By the time I got to the street, my ride swooped me up and we were off to the Dodger game. A block past Union Station, there was a sign wrapped around a post that read “BOLD”…and something told me it’s all going to be Ok…
- Jen Engevik
Project BE Bold
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From the Mouth of Babe’s – What a Mother Learned from Her Daughter by Melissa Ricker
Having ditched most of my biology classes, I found myself pregnant with Kaitlyn at 20 years old. Surprise! She was due November 30th
The Two of Us
and other than relinquishing my youth to her, I had no idea what to expect. I read everything but “What to Expect when your Expecting.” Beginning with Linda Goodman’s sun signs. I had to know what a Saggitarian childs temperment was likely to be. My only reference was my older , crazy Saggitarian brother and it scared the dickens out of me. ‘Honest as the day is long’, I read, ‘waving their heart at you’, it continued. Naturally I was excited to see what this little being had to offer the world. Little did I know she would become one of my greatest teachers.
“Mom, not everything needs to match!” My daughter hit me between the eyes with that pearl when she was six. Stopped me dead in my tracks. My long pause to reflect on her words caused Kaitlyn to soften her tone. Looking up at me like a wise sage, she gently reminded that it’s just not that big of a deal. Those two sentences changed me forever.
Oh, she was honest alright. Never ask a Saggitarian if your butt looks fat in a pair of jeans. You will likely walk away stunned holding an answer delivered with such swiftness it could take you more than a moment to recover. As it did me. Kaitlyn came into this world with a natural ability to shirk off problems like water off a ducks tail. A trait neither one of her parents possessed. She became physically ill if she had a secret and offered the truth whether your were ready for it or not. “Mama, I’m failing English,” “Mama, I tried pot,” “Mama, it’s time to go to the doctor for birth control!” I fear my only contribution to her was to teach her how to deliver the message with a little finesse. Blunt force truth could put a damper on her relationships if left unchecked.
I, on the other hand, was a sensitive child. Every word hit my heart with a thud and I couldn’t say boo to the devil. One would think growing up in my household I would have a thicker skin. No, not so. I took it all so personally and heaven forbid you raise your voice in my direction. I’ll cry for hours. Soft tones, soft lighting, peace and gentility were my trademarks. My mother told me I was the easiest child to raise, she could steer me with a feather. The pendulum swung from passive to agressive as I aged. And yes, I dabbled with the fine art of passive-agressiveness too. But Kaitlyn would show me a whole different way of coming at the world.
The Two of Us Laughing with Dolphins
Watching her grow up and interact with her peers, my friends, neighbors and her teachers was such a treat. She could paint a smile on your face with one flash of her dimples. Carry on a conversation with an adult like it was nothing. It never took much for her to solve a problem and she was a master of observation. Kaitlyn was fearless where I was full of fear. Her boldness made me feel safe to navigate my world in a more purposeful way. One day we were talking about what she may want to do when she grows up. I advised her to do what she loves and the rest will follow. I, however, was not living by that credo.
I took to the woods, figuratively speaking, to assess where I was in life. I posed this question to myself “If money was no issue what would I do for a living?” The answer that boomaranged back startled me. Teach yoga. What!? I love yoga, but teach it? Drawing from my daughters bold example I began the task of seeking a teacher. Ultimately, my yoga training illuminated a path for me that I will always be grateful for. I am a yoga teacher, a bodyworker and a writer. I owe so much of my awakening to that kid, who is now a beautiful 20 year old young woman beginning her journey of self discovery.
I am eternally grateful for the ability to see that there are many ways to navigate this life. My daughter showed me that. I still want things to match, but I don’t get my knickers in a twist when they don’t.
Thanks baby girl ~ you rock!
Post By Melissa Ricker
Yoga Instructor, Body Worker & Writer
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The Magic of Making A Start by W.H. Murray
Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid
plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things can occur to help one that would not otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assurance which no man would have dreamed would come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe’s couplets: “Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, magic and power in it. Begin it now.”
- W.H. Murray in The Scottish Himalayan Expidition
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Life’s Daily Race – Any Idea Where You Are Racing To?
Yesterday, I was in a Persian grocery market in town where one can enjoy amazing prices on semi-local produce. My mother was with
me after spending the day reading books and enjoying the sea breeze, while I worked to meet a writing deadline. Mom is now 73-years-old (she looks like she’s going on 63 rather than 73, but that’s besides the point…or maybe it’s not “besides the point.” I NEED her to be 63 because I want her to be around for many, many more years. The thought of losing her one day scares the living daylights out of me).
Mom and I walked down the aisle that I knew would lead us to the cilantro. I glanced at my mom for a moment and was filled with the overwhelming conviction to be there fully with her – to not worry about where we need to rush to next, how we will get there on time, or if we were doing the “right” thing at the “right” time.
Mom was looking at a pile of apples to her right. There was a glimmer of happiness in her eyes – a twinkle. She held her purse in her left hand and as usual was dressed elegantly – with purpose. I made a point to look around at the various shoppers, racing around to get done with their shopping tasks and on to the next event.
“Where the heck are we all racing to?” I asked myself. It became apparent to me in that instant that the race is imaginary. We work and work and go and go and do and do. In the process we end up panting like dogs – tears streaming down our faces, as we think we could be doing better. We fret because we may not get to that place, that destination. What destination? Where? How?
I am realizing more and more that “the destination” is an illusion. Instead, if I dare to focus on the “here,” I will get “there” without the struggle – without the panting – without the stomach ulcers – without failed relationships…
Mom and I roamed around the market smiling, savoring the moment. She didn’t know that I’d made the decision to embrace each second of our experience together. She had no idea that I had recently found myself worrying about losing her and fear of change. By choosing to open my arms wide and thank the cosmos for the perfect moment, I was free. Free to enjoy the smallest details in life.
When we got back to my home, I decided not to touch my computer, my cell phone and other annoying electronic devices. I then put on the movie Chocolat and sat next to mom. Throughout our movie experience, we laughed, teared up and were amazed at the rich story line. While the credits rolled at the movie’s end, I put my head on Mom’s shoulder and asked her to give me head tickles as she did when I was a kid. My mom is still here. She still is my longest-standing best friend, and she always will be.
Where are we racing to? Where are we going? What are we doing to ourselves?
Before leaving the grocery store, my mom had accidentally stepped in front of a woman in a hurry. Mom apologized in the most sincere of ways, but the woman didn’t say a word. She frowned and pushed her way toward the checkout stand.
I’m not sure why the woman was so unhappy. It probably didn’t have anything to do with my mom or that moment – but I pray that today she realizes her race in life is an illusion. She can make her moments more enjoyable by telling “the race” to take a hike and insert herself into “now.” It’s about her son who trailed behind her, picking up various pieces of fruit and looking at them in amazement – with obvious imagination. She didn’t seem to even acknowledge his existence — just kept frowning and racing forward.
Where are you racing to? What are your intentions? What can you do to better harness the moment?
Did you know that we can paint our days in any way we wish?
You can use any colors you choose…and you can modify those colors at any moment in time. Don’t buy into the illusion that you have to race – that there is a destination to get to – that you have to be this way or that – that your kids have to be this way or that. Untangle your being from the complex “shoulds” and “what ifs”… and then open it to the simple, yet oh so amazing “here and now.”
- Jen Engevik
Project BE Bold
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How Encouragement Changed My Day
This morning I awoke a bit in a slumber – not knowing quite how to put one foot in front of the other.
How wild is it that one day I can be amp’d and ready to go and the next feeling as though I am an alien on a strange planet?
This being human thing is so precarious at times. Sometimes we don’t have a concrete reason for feeling a bit off…and yet we do.
Wanting to throw the bed covers over my head and sleep a bit longer, the impulse was interrupted when out of the blue my phone chimed indicating a text message had just zipped its way into my world. It read – “Hey Jen, I hope you have another productive and promising day today!”
It was as though my friend sensed that I needed a few words of encouragement – my soul welcomed it with a beaming smile. It was a simple message, yet profoundly needed. To know that someone cared that I experience a day of productivity and promise was so very touching. I was instantly infused with a new will.
I’m thinking no matter how tough and bold we think we are…deep down inside there is this soft and gooey part of ourselves that needs reassurance. We need to be told that we are relevant and able. We need to know that the universe has some sort of reason for our existence.
Somewhere out there, there is a person in my life…in your life…that needs a quick text message, e-mail or call of encouragement…at this very moment!!
Kind words can turn everything around for a person in a slumber – for the soul that hurts – and the heart that weeps.
Please take a minute out of your day to touch someone’s life. Don’t think twice…just go and do it!!
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” – Plato
- Jen Engevik
Project BE Bold
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Day 1 Again: Building Momentum
I have started over again on my 21 days to create a habit project. My revised goal is to exercise for at
least 30 minutes a day, rather than run for 30 minutes a day. After forgiving myself for slacking and breaking my commitment to run – then deciding to revise my goal to include a variety of exercise types, I’m ready to go! :-D This being a human thing is quite tough and funky at times – but I’m learning that it’s really about not getting wrapped up in a funk and pushing myself to keep moving.
Yesterday, I set out on a cycling quest. My friend Heather and I jumped on to one of Orange County’s many amazing bike paths with the intention of riding at least 20 miles round trip. Once we got rolling, I was taken by the creek that gurgled beside the bike path and the aroma of sage baking in the summer sun.
Getting out into nature and enjoying the sea breeze wafting through the canyon was exactly what I needed. I’ve realized lately that staying within four walls brings out the sloth within my soul. It becomes all too easy to get stuck in front of the TV or iPad. At one point in the ride, Heather looked my way and said with a smile on her face “why haven’t I been doing this for the past three years I’ve owned my bike?”
Why is it that so many times we choose activities that add to our suffering, small-selves rather than doing the things that bring us true joy & bring out our big-bad selves? We are happy when we stay on task – exercise – fill our minds with wisdom – stay in touch with our spirit – express ourselves truthfully…
One would think that after riding for 1 hour and forty-five minutes I would be ready to crawl into bed…but when I got home I was amp’d! I was inspired to clean the kitchen, organize my room, run to Petsmart and the market, and then come back and work on a couple projects.
Richard Branson, founder of Virgin Airlines, was recently asked what he does when he loses inspiration or becomes stagnant. His answer was simple…”I exercise.” I had read this a couple weeks ago and am more convinced that he is right than ever. (There is one thing I’d like to share with Branson :-D — I recently flew Virgin from London to Los Angeles and the seats in coach need some major improving…lack of padding and leg room made me want to lay in the aisle (regardless of how many amazing movies were at my disposal to watch) and inspired me to fly another airline on my last trip. He may need to run a few more laps on the track to solve that issue :-D There is always more room for improvement!!).
Once Heather and I reached the halfway point of our trip (which had been a gradual incline the whole way), we turned around were rewarded with a fast and furious ride back to where we came from. I was so happy that I began singing out loud a few times.
I’m learning that a life of action is rewarding on every level!
“Don’t wait. The time will never be just right.” - Napoleon Hill
- Jen Engevik
Project Be Bold
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Confidence, the Stock Market & Overcoming Fear
I awoke today quite interested in what is going to happen today on the stock market. So many
are concerned after reading articles and listening to the numerous negative news reports on TV. Magically (or really not so magically because what would one expect when fear is in the air?) the market has lost its footing and is beginning to tumble.
There is a definite lesson to be learned in all of this. It is one that is quite obvious to many, but I’m going to spell it out for my sanity/amusement. When fear becomes the principle guiding force in the economy, within the business world, within our families, or individually – a tailspin is inevitable.
To illustrate my point, I’m going to imagine I’m walking a tightrope across the grand canyon. Let’s say I
believe that the rope I am walking across is so stable & magical that there is no doubt I will make it across. I jump on and begin my journey to the other side. I’m so confident that I dare to dance my way across. I set my gaze on my destination and don’t have a single thought about the possibility of a fall. Half way
through my journey, I’m elated at my progress. And then…a stranger standing below yells to me…”that’s not a magical, sturdy rope! It’s just an ordinary one that I can find at any old rope store!!” All of a sudden I realize the magnitude of what can happen if I lose balance. I buy into his negative talk/doubt and begin to teeter back and forth. Sweat pours from my brow and tears begin to form in the corner of my eyes. “I’m too young to die!” I whisper to the universe. I become certain I am going to fall…the rope begins to sway back and forth and the next thing I know I’m flying through the air toward the canyon floor.
I am not a stock expert, but I’m thinking it’s very possible that if last night we were told we gained a AAAAAA+++++++ credit rating (I know ratings don’t get that high…but I have to be a bit dramatic to make my point…so bear with me :-D) the Dow Jones may reach new heights. Nothing has changed surrounding the companies that people invest in — our fears have just taken over.
Our economy is based on confidence. But how are we supposed to be confident when all we hear is how horrible everything is?
Likewise, on a personal level…how am I (or you) supposed to get anywhere when I don’t believe in what the universe has in store for me? Curling up in the corner and weeping isn’t going to get me anywhere. Fear brings our most monstrous nightmares to life. If you fear the loss of your relationship – you’ll probably do things to lose it. If you fear you’ll be poor, you just may…because you’ll probably freeze in your tracks and fret. If you are creative and fear that someone will steal your idea, you won’t do a darn thing…someone will release a similar idea into the market and you’ll be left saying “if only I were bold enough to make my dream come to life.”
When I look at the US and our amazingly challenged congress and decision makers, I see a group of men and women fearful of losing their jobs – thus their decisions are fear-based. The result is a sinking ship. I’m thinking that we must act out of truth and fearlessness to move ahead. If that means losing a job or risking security then so be it. At what point do we look beyond self-preservation and do something that will truly make a difference?
One day back in my college days, a buddy of mine listened to one of my fear-based rants, looked me in the eye with a fierceness I will never forget and uttered, “fuck fear, Jen….fuck fear!!” He snapped me out of my funk and we both laughed until tears came to our eyes. I’m not one to throw that four-letter word out into the air often; however, eleven years later when I begin to spiral into a fear based tailspin I repeat these words to wake myself up.
Fear is a part of our daily lives – our internal stock market is susceptible to instant crashes. Yet – it takes a second to put on our Superman/woman suits and force our stock back up. Moment by moment. Step by step…we can force fear out of our lives and replace it with confidence.
- Jen Engevik
Project BE Bold
